- Melissa Age. 38

"I want Velcro shoes so I can do them all by myself..." -Kyleigh Isaac age 3

It happens. They want to do stuff all by themselves. 

I love my mom and know she did the best she could-I truly believe that.

I do believe she stopped raising me at the age of 17. I could do all things by myself. She didn't need to do anything else. She was a single Mom, now she could have the freedom we all lose the minute we have a child. She could stay at work late and not have to worry about picking me up from various places.She could hand me a $20 and know that she did her part.

I think this is why I am paralyzed when I think of Kyleigh doing life without me in the driver's seat. (literally)

I have had the pleasure of driving her everywhere. 

The car ride became something more than just a ride somewhere. 

Conversations started:

"Mom-where do homeless people walk? I mean they have nowhere to go...why do they walk fast?" Age 8

"Mom-I just counted 11 brown trucks and only 3 of them were light brown" Age 5

"Mom-why would some one sing about a tootsie roll?" Age 9

"Mom-can we have Cici's pizza?" Age 9

"Hey Mom-I need to tell you something and you are going to be so sad with me.....Mom-I said a cuss word in my head today at lunch." Age 10

"Mom-What do other people do on Sundays I cant believe we used to not go to church, I love it!" Age 10

"Mom-can you turn the radio up?" Age 11

"Mom----------never mind." Age 12

"Mom I seriously cannot believe you were right about that guy. How do you know stuff like that?" Age 13

"Mom I think it's neat how Jesus has us BOTH single at the same time so we can relate to each other better-easier..." Age 14

"Mom- is it weird that I have my permit?" Age 15

"Mom-really....do I drive good....?" Age 15

"Mom-I cant believe you think Bruno Mars is sexy..." Age 15

"Mom-I told my friend we could go eat and stuff tomorrow like without you...just me and her........I mean you can come if you want....." Age 16

"Mom this is going to be weird. I'm gonna miss you in the morning...." Age 16

Conversations will continue. Just in different places.

I had to learn when I first become a Christian-YOU DON'T JUST TALK TO JESUS AT THE CHURCH.

I will not stop raising Kyleigh. I will meet her where she is. 

I will ask Jesus, "How do you do it? How do you continue to raise me even though I am 38? How do you meet me where I am? Teach me O'Lord."

He is the parent and I am the babysitter.  

Spaghetti Squash, y'all!

So God creates this food...that when cooked correctly you can get a fork and stab into it and BAM it looks like real spaghetti and it's good...and good for you!

Spaghetti Squash is no JOKE, ya'll!

I have decided that I will start looking for things that He wants me to have. I will open my eyes to Him. 
I will pursue Him.
HE is enough.

I go to an awesome church and listen to an awesome man preach to me every week...
I am surrounded by smart pastors and smart Godly woman.....
and a Squash teaches ME something about ME and JESUS??
Seriously.

I probably pass by 23 different things in a day that could teach me something about me and Jesus.

Last night I learned that Jesus chose His followers. "Don't look at me like that...I had no idea."
I tell people I chose Him....when really I accepted His invitation. He was waiting for my RSVP for 33 years. 

I remember walking on the beach in Costa Rica 2 summers ago and Kyleigh saying, "Mom look!" and she was pointing at bananas and coconuts...in a tree....right there on the beach....! FOR anyone to just take.

Don't get me wrong I knew they came from trees...but for some reason I thought it was like in a certain area...like a farmer had to PLANT THE TREES and then take care of them so that they would do their job.
WELL-I was right.

That farmer is Jesus.

Ya'll he just hands us stuff...and we just walk by looking for the next thing. 

This may sound so childish to some of you...but aren't we HIS CHILDREN?
Shouldn't we think this way more often.

I think we should.

Embarrassed but inspired.

"I did my first 5k because of you...."
"Well I'm training for a Half Marathon all because of you Melissa"
"I LOST 23 pounds....you have inspired me...."
"Every time I think about giving up I think of you-and I KEEP GOING...."

These are just a couple of the statements I have heard in the past 9 months. They make me cringe now. I used to take them in and feel a sense of accomplishment.

Not lately.

"If I can inspire all these people why can't I inspire myself...?"
"What a joke I am"
"Well at least I got a bunch of people excited about their lives again..."

I have tons of great excuses-really-they are amazing!
Here it goes, ya ready? Have a seat. Cuz they are deep.

I am moving. I am moving.
Yep that's it....that's been my big excuse. I'm moving....!! Seriously how ironic is that statement...?
I'm moving but haven't moved a muscle in 2 and half months...because I'm changing my address.

While packing I touched every running bib and medal...still in awe of myself....still picturing ME at every finish line and all of my sweet supporters.

I have gained 20 pounds since the Houston Half Marathon. If I was being honest I would say I gained all of that 45 mins. after the race. CUZ I WAS HUNGRY and felt like it was owed to me. "I earned that bad food..."

Owed to me? That statement makes me sick....it makes me so angry....but it's a statement that creeps into my mind almost weekly. Don't get me wrong I never say it out loud. NEVER....but something in my head whispers it. I'm not sure I even believe it....

(wow what a mess)
I pray.

Jesus shows up and provides a house that is right in front of running trail. He is so sweet-He gently reminds me of how strong I am and that I just took a break...and that the 20 pounds is not symbolic of any new character flaw it's a set back and that is it! He is stern but loving and says..."You are my beautiful daughter...you will run again and you will run faster and longer and love it even more..."

I miss running.

With all of this I am learning that life is a journey.
I should write Hallmark cards-I know! :)

What I mean is....I am not getting ready for a big race I am not trying to lose weight for a wedding/high school reunion/hot date/swim suit season!

Life change is harder than getting ready for any function you feel you need to impress someone at.

Life change is harder.

I have chosen to not conform to a lot of ways of this world. I parent different than the world does, I live my life differently....so why cant I change this one area?

So here I sit.
Excited to run tonight after work.
I will run in my Neighborhood.
The Neighborhood He provided.

Signed,
New Runner (again)

You asked.

I've had several people ask me, "What do you think about while you're running?"
At first I thought "Think? I can't even breathe....much less think...?"
I ran 5 miles last night for the very first time, a strong 5 miles.....not the cheater cheater pumpkin eater kind ;) haha!
So I thought THIS would be a good time to tell you guys what someone like me thinks while she is running her first 5 miles.
Have a seat...it takes me a looooong time to run 5 miles so there is a lot of thinkin' happenin':

Here we go:

"Why is Isabel going so fast..."
"Wait maybe I'm going too fast..."
"Relax your shoulders..."
"The weather is sooooo nice...."
"Why did I bring this big water bottle....?"
"Jesus protect my left knee-Yea THAT ONE"
"I love Prince"
"That's a cute house"
"OH sweet MARY who is cookin' bar b q chicken!?"
"I'm not going to look at my Garmin until that white truck up there..."
"burp"
"seriously we have only ran a mile and a half..."
"Is Kristy talking to me?"
"I'm so glad I didn't lose my music when I got my new phone"
"Don't you stop Melissa"
"Jesus does me finishing 5 miles make you proud?'
"What kind of status should I put up..."
"People hate when I put up statuses about running"
"I don't care....eeewwwww I just swallowed a bug..."
"....um why do I do this.....? seriously do I think THIS will change me....will running make me a better person?"
"oh stop Melissa....you run because it's healthy...."
"Damn Isabel runs fast."
"a jacket? I have a jacket on....I bet people think it's a running jacket...nope I wore it to work, it works though."
"Thank you Jesus for helping me close that deal today-it felt good"
"Will Kyleigh be proud that I finish 5 miles-my sister will be....she thinks I can do anything"
"OK I will look at my Garmin when I get to that overly decorated house"
"Wonder if my husband will run?"
"Ricky Jackson is HOT-wonder if he runs?"
"I'm hungry.."
"I hope when I weigh in this week I've lost like 5 pounds..."
"3 miles? wow....a 5k....and no free tshirt...cool..."
"Brass Monkey that funkey junkey...."
"Junkey...? hahahah sounds funny."
"I love when Kristy says I may need new shoes-its like a prescription...."
"Almost 4 miles"
"Act like you are running 7 miles"

SAID THIS OUT LOUD: "Hey guys does it even look like I'm running?"

"hahahahaa"
"I'm numb. I wonder what I look like?"
"I cant wait until my shadow gets smaller"
"I have worked so hard"
"Seriously these woman care about me-look at them waiting for us to finish"
"I wonder if that song Grenade came out before or after Jersey Shore started getting popular?"
"oooo I may be getting gassy, I know everyone says its OK...but seriously if I ever toot while running....I WILL JUST DIE of embarrassment"
"4.7 miles....ME? seriously...."
"Jesus did you ever run?"
"why would I ask that..."
"my knees hurt bad"
"keep moving your feet-Melissa"
"4.9 can we just stop....?"
"hey let's go another mile....seriously I could"
"5 miles.....oooooo wow I didn't stop. Isabel didn't stop...we kept going....we are so good at running"

Ok so there ya go...

Tomorrow I will share with you the thoughts in my head while in the car driving home.

And if you guys are lucky....I will share "the next morning"

Frends?

I know I spelled Friends wrong.
BUT I think we should take the "I" out of the word and out of the relationship.

Have you ever lost a frend? I don't mean by death or a huge fight? I mean you just lost a frend.....?

Doesn't happen very often.

or does it?

I remember having a best frend when I was 5. She played with me and met me at the corner of our street...her mom made the best toast ever because she used WHITE BREAD....we only had BROWN bread.....she made me laugh and I made her laugh. We lost touch....because I moved away and we just never stayed in touch-we were 5. I think about her often, though.

Things were simple.

Being a friend is complicated.
Especially now that we have "facebook frends" you know the ones who just read your page but never say anything to you in person....or the ones who never comment on your page so you really have no idea they are ever there...THEN you see them:

"How was your trip...?"
"Sorry you had a headache 2 weeks ago..."
"So what ever happen to....."

They know everything about you and you seriously couldn't tell them their name, well let me correct that you know their maiden or middle name but can't remember their first name.

Sad huh?
Now before you delete me as a "facebook frend" I love Facebook and love the connection it helps me have with family and frends.

I think Facebook can mess up frendships. There! I said it.

When you have ONE frend that doesn't have Facebook, things can get even more complicated.
She knows nothing about your life, she never gets to see the random pictures you post, she never gets to see where you 'check-in', when you change your look she is the last to know. She doesn't know any of this unless.......(here's the crazy part).....YOU CALL HER.

I haven't shared life with her.
I post my life on Facebook.
I seem to care more about my status on Facebook.
I keep in touch with frends who don't even care about me.

Have I been a good frend?

See why I want to take the "I" out of friends?

2.75 miles....seriously.

So I started my 10k training session.

I love the first day, we talk and get to know eachother and talk and stuff....just talking and laughing......I always try and ask 2 more questions so we can maybe talk SO much that we forget to run.

NOPE.

My coaches have me figured out and I love it!

We started the 8 week session with a nice and steady 2.75 mile run...CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?? I know me either. I will say this super slow..........................

"WE. STARTED. WITH. A. 2.75 MILE RuN!"

It just blows my mind that we started with such a high number and I did it.
I guess when I really think about it....it's not like we have to learn to tie our shoes everytime we get a new pair of shoes-that would get exhausting.

I am still one of the slowest, but I finish.

I feel better while running. I can even talk. Well I can ASK one question and listen to them answer real good.

My knees hurt.

I have a friend that could just make me a 13.1 sticker for my car-she has connections. I am so tempted.

Nope.
I will finish every race that I start.

uncomfortable truths.

I get frustrated listening to people gripe about their weight.
I get frustrated listening to people talk about their health problems.
I say to myself, "Do something about it...."
I have never been loved by the opposite sex, I judge woman who find it easily.
I hide my pain.
I'm not doing what I am supposed in life because I am afraid of failing.
It scares me that I do not long for a relationship with my parents.
Sometimes I don't feel like getting out of bed.
I cuss.
I question God.
I trust too easily.
I dance in my closet-it helps me pick out clothes.
I don't like when parents talk bad about their kids.
I agree with people sometimes just to make them stop talking.
I giggle when I see or even hear about someone falling.
I pray while people are talking to me.
I want to be better.

OH.....and I'm a Christian.