Embarrassed but inspired.

"I did my first 5k because of you...."
"Well I'm training for a Half Marathon all because of you Melissa"
"I LOST 23 pounds....you have inspired me...."
"Every time I think about giving up I think of you-and I KEEP GOING...."

These are just a couple of the statements I have heard in the past 9 months. They make me cringe now. I used to take them in and feel a sense of accomplishment.

Not lately.

"If I can inspire all these people why can't I inspire myself...?"
"What a joke I am"
"Well at least I got a bunch of people excited about their lives again..."

I have tons of great excuses-really-they are amazing!
Here it goes, ya ready? Have a seat. Cuz they are deep.

I am moving. I am moving.
Yep that's it....that's been my big excuse. I'm moving....!! Seriously how ironic is that statement...?
I'm moving but haven't moved a muscle in 2 and half months...because I'm changing my address.

While packing I touched every running bib and medal...still in awe of myself....still picturing ME at every finish line and all of my sweet supporters.

I have gained 20 pounds since the Houston Half Marathon. If I was being honest I would say I gained all of that 45 mins. after the race. CUZ I WAS HUNGRY and felt like it was owed to me. "I earned that bad food..."

Owed to me? That statement makes me sick....it makes me so angry....but it's a statement that creeps into my mind almost weekly. Don't get me wrong I never say it out loud. NEVER....but something in my head whispers it. I'm not sure I even believe it....

(wow what a mess)
I pray.

Jesus shows up and provides a house that is right in front of running trail. He is so sweet-He gently reminds me of how strong I am and that I just took a break...and that the 20 pounds is not symbolic of any new character flaw it's a set back and that is it! He is stern but loving and says..."You are my beautiful daughter...you will run again and you will run faster and longer and love it even more..."

I miss running.

With all of this I am learning that life is a journey.
I should write Hallmark cards-I know! :)

What I mean is....I am not getting ready for a big race I am not trying to lose weight for a wedding/high school reunion/hot date/swim suit season!

Life change is harder than getting ready for any function you feel you need to impress someone at.

Life change is harder.

I have chosen to not conform to a lot of ways of this world. I parent different than the world does, I live my life differently....so why cant I change this one area?

So here I sit.
Excited to run tonight after work.
I will run in my Neighborhood.
The Neighborhood He provided.

Signed,
New Runner (again)